Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
