Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
