grandma shit on top of the toilet
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
