I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
