I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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