I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize