Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
