ya dads aren't the best wingmen
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
