If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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