Swine flu. Run for my life!
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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