I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I touched a dick in church today
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
