peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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