i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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