so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
