so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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