my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
