I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
