Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
