I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
We had to coat check the pizza.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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