my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
