we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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