Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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