I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
