True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
