dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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