Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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