If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
