as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
