Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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