My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
