I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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