I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
