Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
