DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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