Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
