I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
