Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
