Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
