I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
