dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
where are my eyebrows?
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