I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
