On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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