I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize