I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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