I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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