I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
