When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
