You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
