hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
