I think scott just propositioned me for sex
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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