This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
