Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
