For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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