I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
