Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
