peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
